wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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