Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
