corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
