so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
