OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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