Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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