She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I party with great urgency now.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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