Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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