I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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