i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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