I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
