Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i may or may not be watching the land before time
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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