I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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