Can i not drive my cunt home
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
