Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
