is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So drunk its hurt
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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