I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
