All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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