I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
