He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
