You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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