last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
