He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Randomize
