someone threw a dead crab at me
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
