My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
