ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
