she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
