can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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