I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Randomize
