I just pynch a tree in the face
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
