I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i now understand why vodka
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
