I wanna bring you to show and tell
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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