The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
