Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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