My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
My cat gives me a boner
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
