My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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