I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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