Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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