this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
