i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
