Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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