I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
