Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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