I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
so much tequila, so little girl.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
