i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
