Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
