Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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