thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
