Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
