I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
