Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
